Best Mitch Hedberg Qoutes

 

Mitch Hedberg was a comedic genius known for his unique style and quirky one-liners. His humor was a blend of absurdity and observational wit, making him a beloved figure in the world of stand-up comedy. Whether you’re a fan of his work or just looking for a good laugh, this collection of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes is sure to tickle your funny bone and leave you with a smile. Let’s dive into the world of Mitch Hedberg’s humor and relish some of his most memorable quips.

 

 

 

 Best Mitch Hedberg Qoutes

 

1. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
2. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
3. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
4. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
5. “I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.”
6. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
7. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
8. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
9. “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.”
10. “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, only ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”
11. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
12. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
13. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
14. “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”
15. “I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the hell’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
16. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
17. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
18. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
19. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it’s dirty.”
20. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”
21. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”
22. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
23. “You know, they call corn-on-the-cob, ‘corn-on-the-cob,’ but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should call that ‘corn.’ They should call every other version, ‘corn-off-the-cob.’ It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm ‘Mitch,’ but then reattach it and call it ‘Mitch-all-together.'”
24. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
25. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.'”
26. “My friend said to me, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
27. “I used to be a snow cone vendor, but I had to quit because I was giving everybody paper cuts.”
28. “My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Damn, seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'”
29. “I’m sick of Soup of the Day. It’s time we made a decision. I wanna know what the ‘Soup of Tomorrow’ is gonna be.”
30. “I’m writing a script for a sequel called ‘Jaws 5: Maybe He’s Just Hibernating.'”
31. “I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a big truckload of potatoes showed up. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, ‘**** it. Cut ’em up.'”
32. “I like to wear a tuxedo shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”
33. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction.”
34. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
35. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
36. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly.”
37. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
38. “I would like to have a product that’s a ‘shitload of dimes.’ That way, when I ask people, ‘Can you give me a hand?’ I can be like, ‘Give me a ******* dime!'”
39. “I was walking by a dry cleaner, at 3 a.m., and the sign said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to apologize, it’s 3 a.m., and I’m not looking to get my clothes cleaned. I’m just trying to get by it without being seen.”
40. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, ‘Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ It’s like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
41. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
42. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
43. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
44. “I wear a necklace because I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
45. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
46. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
47. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
48. “I used to play guitar. I used to be in a band. I know how to play the guitar… a little. I mean, not a lot. I can’t do no solos, but I can play the rhythm, you know.”
49. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
50. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
51. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs.”
52. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
53. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
54. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
55. “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
56. “I used to be a Boy Scout, but I have to say that it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be in the Boy Scouts.”
57. “I played golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one. But I did hit a guy, and that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell ‘Fore!’ But I was too busy mumbling, ‘There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.'”
58. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
59. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Damn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic.’ ‘Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.’ One of those two doesn’t sound right.”
60. “I’ve always wanted to pretend I was an architect.”
61. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”
62. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
63. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it. Build a house. ‘Well, I was lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament.'”
64. “I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow s**t.”
65. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
66. “I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ so it died.”
67. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal!”
68. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
69. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
70. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
71. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
72. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
73. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
74. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they don’t want to eat it. They just want to make it late for something.”
75. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something I’ve seen advertised on TV. I thought Fritos were getting so popular that they were imitating hotdogs, going, ‘We got grill marks. You don’t need to put your Fritos on a grill, we already got them.’ But if you have a hamburger, it’s ready. You have a hotdog; it’s ready. But a bag of Fritos, you eat them, and it’s like, ‘Hey man, you didn’t finish cooking those. I didn’t know. You have to grill them.'”
76. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
77. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
78. “When I walk into a hotel room, I feel like I have to write a song or something.”
79. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
80. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
81. “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.”
82. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly.”
83. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
84. “I used to be a Boy Scout, but I have to say that it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be in the Boy Scouts.”
85. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
86. “I like to wear a tuxedo shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”
87. “My belt holds my pants up, but my belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
88. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
89. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
90. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
91. “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”
92. “I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the hell’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
93. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
94. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.'”
95. “My friend said to me, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
96. “I used to be a snow cone vendor, but I had to quit because I was giving everybody paper cuts.”
97. “My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Damn, seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'”
98. “I’m sick of Soup of the Day. It’s time we made a decision. I wanna know what the ‘Soup of Tomorrow’ is gonna be.”
99. “I’m writing a script for a sequel called ‘Jaws 5: Maybe He’s Just Hibernating.'”
100. “I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a big truckload of potatoes showed up. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, ‘**** it. Cut ’em up.'”
101. “I like to wear a tuxedo shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”
102. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction.”
103. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
104. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
105. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly.”
106. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
107. “I would like to have a product that’s a ‘****load of dimes.’ That way, when I ask people, ‘Can you give me a hand?’ I can be like, ‘Give me a ******* dime!'”
108. “I was walking by a dry cleaner, at 3 a.m., and the sign said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to apologize, it’s 3 a.m., and I’m not looking to get my clothes cleaned. I’m just trying to get by it without being seen.”
109. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, ‘Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ It’s like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
110. “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
111. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
112. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
113. “I wear a necklace because I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
114. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
115. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
116. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
117. “I used to play guitar. I used to be in a band. I know how to play the guitar… a little. I mean, not a lot. I can’t do no solos, but I can play the rhythm, you know.”
118. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
119. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
120. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
121. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they don’t want to eat it. They just want to make it late for something.”
122. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something I’ve seen advertised on TV. I thought Fritos were getting so popular that they were imitating hotdogs, going, ‘We got grill marks. You don’t need to put your Fritos on a grill, we already got them.’ But if you have a hamburger, it’s ready. You have a hotdog; it’s ready. But a bag of Fritos, you eat them, and it’s like, ‘Hey man, you didn’t finish cooking those. I didn’t know. You have to grill them.'”
123. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
124. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
125. “When I walk into a hotel room, I feel like I have to write a song or something.”
126. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
127. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
128. “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.”
129. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly.”
130. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
131. “I used to be a Boy Scout, but I have to say that it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be in the Boy Scouts.”
132. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
133. “I like to wear a tuxedo shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”
134. “My belt holds my pants up, but my belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
135. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
136. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
137. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
138. “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”
139. “I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the hell’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
140. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
141. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait.'”
142. “My friend said to me, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ I was like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
143. “I used to be a snow cone vendor, but I had to quit because I was giving everybody paper cuts.”
144. “My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Damn, seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'”
145. “I’m sick of Soup of the Day. It’s time we made a decision. I wanna know what the ‘Soup of Tomorrow’ is gonna be.”
146. “I’m writing a script for a sequel called ‘Jaws 5: Maybe He’s Just Hibernating.'”
147. “I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive, a big truckload of potatoes showed up. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, ‘**** it. Cut ’em up.'”
148. “I like to wear a tuxedo shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.”
149. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction.”
150. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
151. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say, ‘Mitch,’ and I say, ‘What?’ and turn my head slightly.”
152. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
153. “I would like to have a product that’s a ‘shitload of dimes.’ That way, when I ask people, ‘Can you give me a hand?’ I can be like, ‘Give me a ******* dime!'”
154. “I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and the sign said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to apologize; it’s 3 a.m., and I’m not looking to get my clothes cleaned. I’m just trying to get by it without being seen.”
155. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, ‘Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ It’s like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
156. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
157. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
158. “I wear a necklace because I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
159. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
160. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
161. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
162. “I used to play guitar. I used to be in a band. I know how to play the guitar… a little. I mean, not a lot. I can’t do no solos, but I can play the rhythm, you know.”
163. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
164. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
165. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
166. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
167. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
168. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
169. “I used to be a boy scout, but I have to say, it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be boy scouts. Yeah, you learn that stuff, and you’re like, ‘What kind of meritorious badge could you get for that?'”
170. “I used to be a boy scout, and they didn’t let me in, boy scouts, because I wanted to join the girl scouts. I wanted to join the girl scouts because the girl scouts had the girl scout cookies. I could not imagine a better piece of merchandise. I couldn’t wait to join them and sell the cookies.”
171. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
172. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
173. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
174. “I would like to have a product that’s a ‘****load of dimes.’ That way, when I ask people, ‘Can you give me a hand?’ I can be like, ‘Give me a ******* dime!'”
175. “I was walking by a dry cleaner, at 3 a.m., and the sign said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to apologize, it’s 3 a.m., and I’m not looking to get my clothes cleaned. I’m just trying to get by it without being seen.”
176. “This is what my friend said to me; he said, ‘Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ It’s like, ‘Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause.'”
177. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
178. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
179. “I wear a necklace because I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
180. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
181. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
182. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
183. “I used to play guitar. I used to be in a band. I know how to play the guitar… a little. I mean, not a lot. I can’t do no solos, but I can play the rhythm, you know.”
184. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
185. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
186. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
187. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
188. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
189. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
190. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
191. “I used to be a boy scout, but I have to say, it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be boy scouts. Yeah, you learn that stuff, and you’re like, ‘What kind of meritorious badge could you get for that?'”
192. “I used to be a boy scout, and they didn’t let me in, boy scouts, because I wanted to join the girl scouts. I wanted to join the girl scouts because the girl scouts had the girl scout cookies. I could not imagine a better piece of merchandise. I couldn’t wait to join them and sell the cookies.”
193. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
194. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
195. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
196. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
197. “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
198. “I used to be a boy scout, but I have to say, it was hard for me to do that after I found out that they didn’t let homosexuals be boy scouts. Yeah, you learn that stuff, and you’re like, ‘What kind of meritorious badge could you get for that?'”
199. “I used to be a boy scout, and they didn’t let me in, boy scouts, because I wanted to join the girl scouts. I wanted to join the girl scouts because the girl scouts had the girl scout cookies. I could not imagine a better piece of merchandise. I couldn’t wait to join them and sell the cookies.”
200. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

 

 

Final Words;

 

In the world of comedy, Mitch Hedberg’s legacy continues to shine brightly. His clever and offbeat humor remains a source of inspiration for both aspiring and established comedians. Through his quotes, he invites us to see the world through a different lens, one filled with quirky observations and playful absurdity. As we conclude this journey through the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, remember that laughter is a universal language, and Hedberg’s comedic genius continues to unite people in laughter even years after his passing. So, let these quotes be a reminder to always find the humor in life’s quirks and appreciate the joy that comes from the absurdities of our everyday experiences.