Funniest Sopranos

“The Sopranos,” a groundbreaking crime drama series created by David Chase, may be renowned for its intense storytelling and complex characters, but it’s also sprinkled with moments of humor that add a delightful layer to the show’s multi-faceted narrative. In the dark and often morally ambiguous world of Tony Soprano and his crew, these comedic moments not only provide a much-needed respite but also showcase the series’ ability to balance levity with its more serious themes. Join us as we delve into the funniest moments and one-liners from “The Sopranos,” celebrating the brilliant wit and comedic genius that resides within the world of organized crime.



Best Funniest Sopranos


  1. “You know, Quasimodo predicted all this.” – Paulie Walnuts
  2. “I wipe my ass with your feelings.” – Tony Soprano
  3. “Every time I close my eyes, I see Pussy.” – Silvio Dante
  4. “I got no opinion, one way or the other.” – Junior Soprano
  5. “You’re a wormy cocksucker, you know that?” – Richie Aprile
  6. “My father had my mother whacked, and I have to listen to you.” – A.J. Soprano
  7. “You take this boardwalk for granted. These goddamn kid-cops with their rat tails and earrings, who told them they could do that?” – Tony Soprano
  8. “I’m like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.” – Tony Soprano
  9. “I don’t care if she’s got a gold-plated cooch.” – Silvio Dante
  10. “There he is, my little nephew! The boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders.” – Tony Soprano
  11. “You go about in pity for yourself.” – Carmela Soprano
  12. “The Sopranos are good at one thing. Keeping secrets.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  13. “I tell you one thing, I am not gonna go through this bullshit again.” – Johnny Sack
  14. “I’m in waste management. It’s a tremendous responsibility.” – Tony Soprano
  15. “Don’t shit where you eat. And don’t piss where I live.” – Tony Soprano
  16. “These days, everybody’s gotta go to shrinks and counselors and go on ‘Sally Jessy Raphael’ and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn’t in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do.” – Tony Soprano
  17. “I’ll build a ramp up to your ass. Drive a Lionel up in there.” – Ralph Cifaretto
  18. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry. It’s a disgrace, in this house.” – Carmela Soprano
  19. “You want to talk about commitment? What about you and that bowling ball bag?” – Paulie Walnuts
  20. “You’re very observant. The sacred and the propane.” – Tony Soprano
  21. “I’m no mental midget, Ton’, and the Ten Commandments? That’s like some kind of a religious thing, right?” – Christopher Moltisanti
  22. “You goin’ swimmin’ later? I can see you in a Speedo.” – Paulie Walnuts
  23. “You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.” – Tony Soprano
  24. “She’s not my type, but I’d hit that.” – Vito Spatafore
  25. “He’s weak. He let his wife get away with this shit.” – Tony Soprano on Dr. Melfi’s husband
  26. “That’s nice. Another way I can go broke. Buy more carpets.” – Junior Soprano
  27. “What are you, the friggin’ Food and Drug Administration?” – Tony Soprano
  28. “At times, I think of cancer as my own personal 9/11.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  29. “You’re eatin’ your last supper there, pal.” – Silvio Dante
  30. “I wish I could just crawl into a hole. Not a big hole. Just a little hole.” – Carmela Soprano
  31. “You know what, Carm? I have been going through this shit for weeks. I don’t want to hear any of that armchair psychiatry.” – Tony Soprano
  32. “You ever had yourself checked for Tourette’s?” – Tony Soprano to Dr. Melfi
  33. “You sound demented.” – Carmela Soprano
  34. “This is where I draw the line, Carmela.” – Tony Soprano
  35. “Hey, Mikey, how’s the boy?” – Paulie Walnuts
  36. “We do not have a toxic relationship.” – Carmela Soprano
  37. “You’re only as good as your last envelope.” – Hesh Rabkin
  38. “Oh, poor you. You lost your job. Well, at least you had a job to lose.” – Tony Soprano
  39. “Now the guy’s got Paulie poppin’ motherfuckers on vinyl siding.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  40. “So, what? No fucking ziti now?” – Artie Bucco
  41. “It’s like an ad for a fuckin’ weight loss center.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  42. “You’re still a kid, Vito. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” – Tony Soprano
  43. “Who did this to you?” – Paulie Walnuts
  44. “You should’ve seen his fat fuckin’ fingers.” – Tony Soprano
  45. “There’s an old Italian saying: You fuck up once, you lose two teeth.” – Tony Soprano
  46. “He was gay, Gary Cooper?” – Carmela Soprano
  47. “Shut the fuck up with those fuckin’ stories!” – Tony Soprano
  48. “Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.” – Tony Soprano
  49. “This guy is so far gone, he’s on a collision course with Vito. I mean, what’s next, a candygram?” – Tony Soprano
  50. “This whole class is for emotional fuckin’ midgets.” – Carmela Soprano
  51. “I had a semester and a half of college, so I understand Freud. I understand therapy as a concept. But in my world, it does not go down.” – Tony Soprano
  52. “Oh, I don’t even wanna say the name!” – Tony Soprano
  53. “I’m starting to think that Ralph causes cancer.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  54. “Happy birthday. This is for you. You got yourself a present.” – Richie Aprile
  55. “Take that feminist crap to the next meeting.” – Tony Soprano
  56. “Don’t give me that. You’re almost a captain now.” – Paulie Walnuts
  57. “I’m the motherfucking fuckin’ one who calls the shots.” – Tony Soprano
  58. “You’re my nephew! I love you like a son. Now, I want you to acknowledge me as your father.” – Tony Soprano
  59. “If this continues, this subordination thing, this line of succession, then I’m out.” – Paulie Walnuts
  60. “This guy’s an interior decorator. His house looked like shit.” – Tony Soprano
  61. “Your stepmother. One whiff of caviar and she’s got a clit like a hayfield.” – Tony Soprano
  62. “Go shit in your hat.” – Tony Soprano
  63. “This whole John thing is probably gonna turn into a veeery big deal.” – Silvio Dante
  64. “I’ve been meaning to say this, but you two are the most non-alpha bitches I’ve ever met.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  65. “You’ve reached the crisis point, Tony. Everything comes to an end.” – Dr. Melfi
  66. “There he goes. Mr. Popularity.” – Tony Soprano
  67. “This ‘Eat my dust’ thing. What, is that a catchphrase?” – Tony Soprano
  68. “They say time heals all wounds. I say it corrodes people while it heals.” – Dr. Melfi
  69. “You wanna talk about pussy, go back to Joisey.” – Furio Giunta
  70. “Don’t go thinkin’ you’re gonna make a sandwich or somethin’.” – Tony Soprano
  71. “He’s a goddamn hothouse flower. He’s a Goddamn Cocksuckin’ Goddamn Hothouse Flower!” – Tony Soprano
  72. “Oh, this? This is nothing.” – Tony Soprano
  73. “In the midst of death, we are in life.” – Junior Soprano
  74. “Are you ready to get married and become my problem?” – Tony Soprano
  75. “Did you offer my nephew some beans and macaroni?” – Junior Soprano
  76. “You’re lucky I ain’t armed.” – Tony Soprano
  77. “He can’t act.” – Tony Soprano
  78. “I’m watching you.” – Paulie Walnuts
  79. “It’s all a big nothing.” – Carmela Soprano
  80. “This ‘intervention’ idea…it’s a bunch of malarkey.” – Tony Soprano
  81. “You’re a fucking hothouse flower. You’re gonna die in that head of yours.” – Tony Soprano
  82. “I need to see a gynecologist.” – Janice Soprano
  83. “It’s not an ordinary dog.” – Tony Soprano
  84. “I don’t like people playing games with me.” – Tony Soprano
  85. “I don’t know, but every time he gets a good result, he says, ‘Oh, he’s a good kid.'” – Christopher Moltisanti
  86. “You ever been tested for HIV?” – Tony Soprano
  87. “I think you’re horny for him.” – Tony Soprano
  88. “Carmela, sometimes I think about kids. I know they’d be great kids.” – Tony Soprano
  89. “You’re a good girl, Meadow. You are. I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world.” – Tony Soprano
  90. “You’re weak, you’re outta control, and you become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.” – Dr. Melfi
  91. “Did your friend take the toaster?” – Tony Soprano
  92. “You’re in waste management. It’s important. I don’t want to just be your goomah.” – Carmela Soprano
  93. “Your face is always just right there!” – Tony Soprano
  94. “You wanna get to my nephew? You’re gonna have to go through me.” – Paulie Walnuts
  95. “You got a problem with the phone? You don’t think I’ll find out?” – Tony Soprano
  96. “I don’t get it. Is this a woman thing?” – Tony Soprano
  97. “What’s this obsession with details?” – Tony Soprano
  98. “What’s all this stuff on JFK? Is it true?” – Tony Soprano
  99. “We only function on two emotions. That’s fear and greed.” – Tony Soprano
  100. “I have to do whatever I can to survive.” – Tony Soprano
  101. “It’s a retirement community. What’s he gonna do, overdose on Sudafed?” – Carmine Lupertazzi
  102. “Let’s not forget my grandfather, the old man who hit people with sticks.” – Tony Soprano
  103. “You know, every day is a gift. But does it have to be a pair of socks?” – Tony Soprano
  104. “It’s like you’re on Mars. All that open space. You got a swimming pool.” – Carmine Lupertazzi
  105. “You don’t wear shorts on a job. Why, I don’t know.” – Paulie Walnuts
  106. “I am the woist.” – Tony Soprano
  107. “I’m ready to face the world. Come on!” – Christopher Moltisanti
  108. “You know what it’s like being an attractive woman in a man’s business.” – Carmela Soprano
  109. “There’s no scraps in my scrapbook.” – Paulie Walnuts
  110. “Did I ever tell you, your eyes are like pools of limpid water?” – Tony Soprano
  111. “I’m not wearing a jacket.” – Carmela Soprano
  112. “Is this a veal scallopini sandwich?” – Tony Soprano
  113. “I’m so glad I went back to school.” – Janice Soprano
  114. “It’s like the ‘Wild Kingdom’ in there.” – Paulie Walnuts
  115. “So, my nephew, you finally got some stones.” – Richie Aprile
  116. “You Soprano women are so weird.” – Janice Soprano
  117. “We do not negotiate with terrorists.” – Tony Soprano
  118. “I gotta tell you, this is pretty unsavory shit.” – Tony Soprano
  119. “I knew your dad when he was in the can. I used to feed him his lunch.” – Johnny Sack
  120. “You know, Ton’, you’ve always been pretty smart. Maybe you oughta consider alternative revenue streams.” – Silvio Dante
  121. “No more bets. That’s it. You’re out.” – Tony Soprano
  122. “Maybe you’re a flambé.” – Paulie Walnuts
  123. “What’s the matter with you? You got a tarantula on your shoulder?” – Tony Soprano
  124. “Hey, I gotta break the ice somehow, right?” – Christopher Moltisanti
  125. “You could at least send him a case of cannolis.” – Carmela Soprano
  126. “I’m just trying to maintain that fundamental respect for women, no matter how they might be objectifying themselves.” – Carmela Soprano
  127. “I thought you might enjoy a little conversation.” – Tony Soprano
  128. “It’s like a Goddamn sit-in over there!” – Tony Soprano
  129. “That was offensive. You said I had a Goddamn ‘hundred pound mole on my ass.” – Johnny Sack
  130. “You’re like someone with a short fuse. You’re a volatile person.” – Dr. Melfi
  131. “You think of everything, don’t you?” – Tony Soprano
  132. “I don’t have anything but enemies.” – Tony Soprano
  133. “I might be wrong, but I think you’re two-timin’ me.” – Richie Aprile
  134. “He can eat with the Yankees and shit with the Mets.” – Tony Soprano
  135. “That’s gotta be the worst job I ever heard of.” – Tony Soprano
  136. “They’re animals, those pinkus!” – Junior Soprano
  137. “How’s business, Ton’?” – Hesh Rabkin
  138. “That’ll teach you to come back from the dead.” – Tony Soprano
  139. “You know what? I think he’s getting stupider.” – Tony Soprano
  140. “I gotta give you credit, Ton’. You look well.” – Dr. Cusamano
  141. “You’re born to this shit. You are born into it, you marry into it. My grandkids grow up in it.” – Tony Soprano
  142. “Does it ever bother you that you could die and you don’t know why?” – Tony Soprano
  143. “At the end of the day, it’s all about the main chance.” – Tony Soprano
  144. “You got a lawn jockey with a black guy as the jockey.” – Tony Soprano
  145. “You’re a drag on my resources.” – Tony Soprano
  146. “I love my food, and that’s my true family.” – Tony Soprano
  147. “Your brother and that evil bitch, there are no boundaries.” – Carmela Soprano
  148. “I’m getting too old for this shit.” – Tony Soprano
  149. “I get it. He’s a clammed up little fuck.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  150. “Tony, you’re on the couch!” – Carmela Soprano
  151. “Whoever heard of drug dealers going through the front door?” – Tony Soprano
  152. “I need some help with my golf game.” – Tony Soprano
  153. “He was an emotional motherfucker, that’s for sure.” – Tony Soprano
  154. “You always have been a terrible athlete.” – Carmela Soprano
  155. “We don’t talk like this on the telephone.” – Tony Soprano
  156. “If you ask me, it’s the birds who have the best deal.” – Dr. Cusamano
  157. “Your goddamn neck hurts? How ’bout when they cut your head off?” – Tony Soprano
  158. “I think I’m getting a cold. Achoo!” – Paulie Walnuts
  159. “The only problem I’ve got with it is the way it’s been marketed.” – Hesh Rabkin
  160. “She’s a woman. I don’t think she likes me.” – Tony Soprano
  161. “I’m not a cat, I don’t shit in a box.” – Tony Soprano
  162. “This is my bread and butter. I know it better than anybody.” – Tony Soprano
  163. “Goddamn Queer on the TV!” – Junior Soprano
  164. “I don’t know what happened, Ton’. Maybe Vito is a come-from-behind kinda guy.” – Silvio Dante
  165. “He’s a long distance truck driver. His friends call him ‘Flipper’.” – Tony Soprano
  166. “You probably don’t even hear it when it happens, right?” – Dr. Melfi
  167. “You’re back in therapy. How’s that going?” – Tony Soprano
  168. “I’m good with the sound down.” – Paulie Walnuts
  169. “You’re driving down the road. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving. I’m hitting the guy. I think it’s a person, but I’m not sure.” – Tony Soprano
  170. “That’s my friend, Tony Soprano. A great guy.” – Johnny Sack
  171. “You don’t even get the guy’s name?” – Silvio Dante
  172. “Look at this poor miserable bastard.” – Paulie Walnuts
  173. “A dingo ate my baby!” – Christopher Moltisanti
  174. “You got the wrong one if you think I’m making a big life change.” – Carmela Soprano
  175. “It’s your gift, to be as unyielding as the land.” – Dr. Melfi
  176. “They send you a registered letter, it’s no big deal. Just sign for it.” – Tony Soprano
  177. “Hey, I’m the motherfucker who calls the shots!” – Tony Soprano
  178. “Who knew they’d turn out like this?” – Tony Soprano
  179. “Is it me or is it hot in here?” – Christopher Moltisanti
  180. “Vito’s been caught suckin’ dicks. It’s on the internet.” – Paulie Walnuts
  181. “A don doesn’t wear shorts.” – Silvio Dante
  182. “I need the ball bearings from the pilot light.” – Silvio Dante
  183. “Fucking regularness. It’s the worst.” – Tony Soprano
  184. “It’s all a big nothing.” – Carmela Soprano
  185. “Maybe you and your friends could cut this anti-Silvio bullshit.” – Silvio Dante
  186. “I should send her flowers. The hospital, I mean.” – Tony Soprano
  187. “I’d rather get stabbed by a Dominican.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  188. “What’s the point of life?” – Tony Soprano
  189. “How ’bout those Giants?” – Carmela Soprano
  190. “This lo mein, it’s like rubber bands.” – Paulie Walnuts
  191. “This isn’t worth losing your life over.” – Carmela Soprano
  192. “He’s an impatient person.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  193. “You know, Vito, just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” – Tony Soprano
  194. “We’re gonna whack a family man over some queers.” – Phil Leotardo
  195. “I don’t care what happens to me.” – Tony Soprano
  196. “Whoever heard of Chicago over the summer, no AC?” – Paulie Walnuts
  197. “I think you need a watch.” – Tony Soprano
  198. “If you play Santa Claus, he’ll shit in your beard.” – Christopher Moltisanti
  199. “The only thing I’ve been dyin’ for is a good night’s sleep.” – Tony Soprano
  200. “I gotta take a shit. Let’s speed this up!” – Paulie Walnuts

Final Words;

As the final credits roll on “The Sopranos,” we’re left with a mix of emotions, from the intense drama that held us spellbound to the laughter-inducing moments that brought lightness to the darkest corners of Tony Soprano’s world. These funny moments are more than just comic relief; they’re a testament to the remarkable writing, acting, and storytelling that made “The Sopranos” a true masterpiece. While the show will forever be remembered for its intricate web of crime and morality, these funny Soprano moments remain a cherished and essential part of the series’ legacy. In revisiting them, we find ourselves laughing once more, grateful for the brilliant blend of humor and drama that defined this remarkable journey into the world of the New Jersey mob.

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