“The Sopranos,” a groundbreaking crime drama series created by David Chase, may be renowned for its intense storytelling and complex characters, but it’s also sprinkled with moments of humor that add a delightful layer to the show’s multi-faceted narrative. In the dark and often morally ambiguous world of Tony Soprano and his crew, these comedic moments not only provide a much-needed respite but also showcase the series’ ability to balance levity with its more serious themes. Join us as we delve into the funniest moments and one-liners from “The Sopranos,” celebrating the brilliant wit and comedic genius that resides within the world of organized crime.
Best Funniest Sopranos
- “You know, Quasimodo predicted all this.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “I wipe my ass with your feelings.” – Tony Soprano
- “Every time I close my eyes, I see Pussy.” – Silvio Dante
- “I got no opinion, one way or the other.” – Junior Soprano
- “You’re a wormy cocksucker, you know that?” – Richie Aprile
- “My father had my mother whacked, and I have to listen to you.” – A.J. Soprano
- “You take this boardwalk for granted. These goddamn kid-cops with their rat tails and earrings, who told them they could do that?” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.” – Tony Soprano
- “I don’t care if she’s got a gold-plated cooch.” – Silvio Dante
- “There he is, my little nephew! The boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders.” – Tony Soprano
- “You go about in pity for yourself.” – Carmela Soprano
- “The Sopranos are good at one thing. Keeping secrets.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “I tell you one thing, I am not gonna go through this bullshit again.” – Johnny Sack
- “I’m in waste management. It’s a tremendous responsibility.” – Tony Soprano
- “Don’t shit where you eat. And don’t piss where I live.” – Tony Soprano
- “These days, everybody’s gotta go to shrinks and counselors and go on ‘Sally Jessy Raphael’ and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn’t in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’ll build a ramp up to your ass. Drive a Lionel up in there.” – Ralph Cifaretto
- “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry. It’s a disgrace, in this house.” – Carmela Soprano
- “You want to talk about commitment? What about you and that bowling ball bag?” – Paulie Walnuts
- “You’re very observant. The sacred and the propane.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m no mental midget, Ton’, and the Ten Commandments? That’s like some kind of a religious thing, right?” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You goin’ swimmin’ later? I can see you in a Speedo.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.” – Tony Soprano
- “She’s not my type, but I’d hit that.” – Vito Spatafore
- “He’s weak. He let his wife get away with this shit.” – Tony Soprano on Dr. Melfi’s husband
- “That’s nice. Another way I can go broke. Buy more carpets.” – Junior Soprano
- “What are you, the friggin’ Food and Drug Administration?” – Tony Soprano
- “At times, I think of cancer as my own personal 9/11.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You’re eatin’ your last supper there, pal.” – Silvio Dante
- “I wish I could just crawl into a hole. Not a big hole. Just a little hole.” – Carmela Soprano
- “You know what, Carm? I have been going through this shit for weeks. I don’t want to hear any of that armchair psychiatry.” – Tony Soprano
- “You ever had yourself checked for Tourette’s?” – Tony Soprano to Dr. Melfi
- “You sound demented.” – Carmela Soprano
- “This is where I draw the line, Carmela.” – Tony Soprano
- “Hey, Mikey, how’s the boy?” – Paulie Walnuts
- “We do not have a toxic relationship.” – Carmela Soprano
- “You’re only as good as your last envelope.” – Hesh Rabkin
- “Oh, poor you. You lost your job. Well, at least you had a job to lose.” – Tony Soprano
- “Now the guy’s got Paulie poppin’ motherfuckers on vinyl siding.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “So, what? No fucking ziti now?” – Artie Bucco
- “It’s like an ad for a fuckin’ weight loss center.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You’re still a kid, Vito. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” – Tony Soprano
- “Who did this to you?” – Paulie Walnuts
- “You should’ve seen his fat fuckin’ fingers.” – Tony Soprano
- “There’s an old Italian saying: You fuck up once, you lose two teeth.” – Tony Soprano
- “He was gay, Gary Cooper?” – Carmela Soprano
- “Shut the fuck up with those fuckin’ stories!” – Tony Soprano
- “Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.” – Tony Soprano
- “This guy is so far gone, he’s on a collision course with Vito. I mean, what’s next, a candygram?” – Tony Soprano
- “This whole class is for emotional fuckin’ midgets.” – Carmela Soprano
- “I had a semester and a half of college, so I understand Freud. I understand therapy as a concept. But in my world, it does not go down.” – Tony Soprano
- “Oh, I don’t even wanna say the name!” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m starting to think that Ralph causes cancer.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “Happy birthday. This is for you. You got yourself a present.” – Richie Aprile
- “Take that feminist crap to the next meeting.” – Tony Soprano
- “Don’t give me that. You’re almost a captain now.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “I’m the motherfucking fuckin’ one who calls the shots.” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re my nephew! I love you like a son. Now, I want you to acknowledge me as your father.” – Tony Soprano
- “If this continues, this subordination thing, this line of succession, then I’m out.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “This guy’s an interior decorator. His house looked like shit.” – Tony Soprano
- “Your stepmother. One whiff of caviar and she’s got a clit like a hayfield.” – Tony Soprano
- “Go shit in your hat.” – Tony Soprano
- “This whole John thing is probably gonna turn into a veeery big deal.” – Silvio Dante
- “I’ve been meaning to say this, but you two are the most non-alpha bitches I’ve ever met.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You’ve reached the crisis point, Tony. Everything comes to an end.” – Dr. Melfi
- “There he goes. Mr. Popularity.” – Tony Soprano
- “This ‘Eat my dust’ thing. What, is that a catchphrase?” – Tony Soprano
- “They say time heals all wounds. I say it corrodes people while it heals.” – Dr. Melfi
- “You wanna talk about pussy, go back to Joisey.” – Furio Giunta
- “Don’t go thinkin’ you’re gonna make a sandwich or somethin’.” – Tony Soprano
- “He’s a goddamn hothouse flower. He’s a Goddamn Cocksuckin’ Goddamn Hothouse Flower!” – Tony Soprano
- “Oh, this? This is nothing.” – Tony Soprano
- “In the midst of death, we are in life.” – Junior Soprano
- “Are you ready to get married and become my problem?” – Tony Soprano
- “Did you offer my nephew some beans and macaroni?” – Junior Soprano
- “You’re lucky I ain’t armed.” – Tony Soprano
- “He can’t act.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m watching you.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “It’s all a big nothing.” – Carmela Soprano
- “This ‘intervention’ idea…it’s a bunch of malarkey.” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re a fucking hothouse flower. You’re gonna die in that head of yours.” – Tony Soprano
- “I need to see a gynecologist.” – Janice Soprano
- “It’s not an ordinary dog.” – Tony Soprano
- “I don’t like people playing games with me.” – Tony Soprano
- “I don’t know, but every time he gets a good result, he says, ‘Oh, he’s a good kid.'” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You ever been tested for HIV?” – Tony Soprano
- “I think you’re horny for him.” – Tony Soprano
- “Carmela, sometimes I think about kids. I know they’d be great kids.” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re a good girl, Meadow. You are. I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world.” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re weak, you’re outta control, and you become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.” – Dr. Melfi
- “Did your friend take the toaster?” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re in waste management. It’s important. I don’t want to just be your goomah.” – Carmela Soprano
- “Your face is always just right there!” – Tony Soprano
- “You wanna get to my nephew? You’re gonna have to go through me.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “You got a problem with the phone? You don’t think I’ll find out?” – Tony Soprano
- “I don’t get it. Is this a woman thing?” – Tony Soprano
- “What’s this obsession with details?” – Tony Soprano
- “What’s all this stuff on JFK? Is it true?” – Tony Soprano
- “We only function on two emotions. That’s fear and greed.” – Tony Soprano
- “I have to do whatever I can to survive.” – Tony Soprano
- “It’s a retirement community. What’s he gonna do, overdose on Sudafed?” – Carmine Lupertazzi
- “Let’s not forget my grandfather, the old man who hit people with sticks.” – Tony Soprano
- “You know, every day is a gift. But does it have to be a pair of socks?” – Tony Soprano
- “It’s like you’re on Mars. All that open space. You got a swimming pool.” – Carmine Lupertazzi
- “You don’t wear shorts on a job. Why, I don’t know.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “I am the woist.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m ready to face the world. Come on!” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You know what it’s like being an attractive woman in a man’s business.” – Carmela Soprano
- “There’s no scraps in my scrapbook.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “Did I ever tell you, your eyes are like pools of limpid water?” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m not wearing a jacket.” – Carmela Soprano
- “Is this a veal scallopini sandwich?” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m so glad I went back to school.” – Janice Soprano
- “It’s like the ‘Wild Kingdom’ in there.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “So, my nephew, you finally got some stones.” – Richie Aprile
- “You Soprano women are so weird.” – Janice Soprano
- “We do not negotiate with terrorists.” – Tony Soprano
- “I gotta tell you, this is pretty unsavory shit.” – Tony Soprano
- “I knew your dad when he was in the can. I used to feed him his lunch.” – Johnny Sack
- “You know, Ton’, you’ve always been pretty smart. Maybe you oughta consider alternative revenue streams.” – Silvio Dante
- “No more bets. That’s it. You’re out.” – Tony Soprano
- “Maybe you’re a flambé.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “What’s the matter with you? You got a tarantula on your shoulder?” – Tony Soprano
- “Hey, I gotta break the ice somehow, right?” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You could at least send him a case of cannolis.” – Carmela Soprano
- “I’m just trying to maintain that fundamental respect for women, no matter how they might be objectifying themselves.” – Carmela Soprano
- “I thought you might enjoy a little conversation.” – Tony Soprano
- “It’s like a Goddamn sit-in over there!” – Tony Soprano
- “That was offensive. You said I had a Goddamn ‘hundred pound mole on my ass.” – Johnny Sack
- “You’re like someone with a short fuse. You’re a volatile person.” – Dr. Melfi
- “You think of everything, don’t you?” – Tony Soprano
- “I don’t have anything but enemies.” – Tony Soprano
- “I might be wrong, but I think you’re two-timin’ me.” – Richie Aprile
- “He can eat with the Yankees and shit with the Mets.” – Tony Soprano
- “That’s gotta be the worst job I ever heard of.” – Tony Soprano
- “They’re animals, those pinkus!” – Junior Soprano
- “How’s business, Ton’?” – Hesh Rabkin
- “That’ll teach you to come back from the dead.” – Tony Soprano
- “You know what? I think he’s getting stupider.” – Tony Soprano
- “I gotta give you credit, Ton’. You look well.” – Dr. Cusamano
- “You’re born to this shit. You are born into it, you marry into it. My grandkids grow up in it.” – Tony Soprano
- “Does it ever bother you that you could die and you don’t know why?” – Tony Soprano
- “At the end of the day, it’s all about the main chance.” – Tony Soprano
- “You got a lawn jockey with a black guy as the jockey.” – Tony Soprano
- “You’re a drag on my resources.” – Tony Soprano
- “I love my food, and that’s my true family.” – Tony Soprano
- “Your brother and that evil bitch, there are no boundaries.” – Carmela Soprano
- “I’m getting too old for this shit.” – Tony Soprano
- “I get it. He’s a clammed up little fuck.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “Tony, you’re on the couch!” – Carmela Soprano
- “Whoever heard of drug dealers going through the front door?” – Tony Soprano
- “I need some help with my golf game.” – Tony Soprano
- “He was an emotional motherfucker, that’s for sure.” – Tony Soprano
- “You always have been a terrible athlete.” – Carmela Soprano
- “We don’t talk like this on the telephone.” – Tony Soprano
- “If you ask me, it’s the birds who have the best deal.” – Dr. Cusamano
- “Your goddamn neck hurts? How ’bout when they cut your head off?” – Tony Soprano
- “I think I’m getting a cold. Achoo!” – Paulie Walnuts
- “The only problem I’ve got with it is the way it’s been marketed.” – Hesh Rabkin
- “She’s a woman. I don’t think she likes me.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m not a cat, I don’t shit in a box.” – Tony Soprano
- “This is my bread and butter. I know it better than anybody.” – Tony Soprano
- “Goddamn Queer on the TV!” – Junior Soprano
- “I don’t know what happened, Ton’. Maybe Vito is a come-from-behind kinda guy.” – Silvio Dante
- “He’s a long distance truck driver. His friends call him ‘Flipper’.” – Tony Soprano
- “You probably don’t even hear it when it happens, right?” – Dr. Melfi
- “You’re back in therapy. How’s that going?” – Tony Soprano
- “I’m good with the sound down.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “You’re driving down the road. Maybe I shouldn’t be driving. I’m hitting the guy. I think it’s a person, but I’m not sure.” – Tony Soprano
- “That’s my friend, Tony Soprano. A great guy.” – Johnny Sack
- “You don’t even get the guy’s name?” – Silvio Dante
- “Look at this poor miserable bastard.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “A dingo ate my baby!” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You got the wrong one if you think I’m making a big life change.” – Carmela Soprano
- “It’s your gift, to be as unyielding as the land.” – Dr. Melfi
- “They send you a registered letter, it’s no big deal. Just sign for it.” – Tony Soprano
- “Hey, I’m the motherfucker who calls the shots!” – Tony Soprano
- “Who knew they’d turn out like this?” – Tony Soprano
- “Is it me or is it hot in here?” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “Vito’s been caught suckin’ dicks. It’s on the internet.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “A don doesn’t wear shorts.” – Silvio Dante
- “I need the ball bearings from the pilot light.” – Silvio Dante
- “Fucking regularness. It’s the worst.” – Tony Soprano
- “It’s all a big nothing.” – Carmela Soprano
- “Maybe you and your friends could cut this anti-Silvio bullshit.” – Silvio Dante
- “I should send her flowers. The hospital, I mean.” – Tony Soprano
- “I’d rather get stabbed by a Dominican.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “What’s the point of life?” – Tony Soprano
- “How ’bout those Giants?” – Carmela Soprano
- “This lo mein, it’s like rubber bands.” – Paulie Walnuts
- “This isn’t worth losing your life over.” – Carmela Soprano
- “He’s an impatient person.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “You know, Vito, just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” – Tony Soprano
- “We’re gonna whack a family man over some queers.” – Phil Leotardo
- “I don’t care what happens to me.” – Tony Soprano
- “Whoever heard of Chicago over the summer, no AC?” – Paulie Walnuts
- “I think you need a watch.” – Tony Soprano
- “If you play Santa Claus, he’ll shit in your beard.” – Christopher Moltisanti
- “The only thing I’ve been dyin’ for is a good night’s sleep.” – Tony Soprano
- “I gotta take a shit. Let’s speed this up!” – Paulie Walnuts
Final Words;
As the final credits roll on “The Sopranos,” we’re left with a mix of emotions, from the intense drama that held us spellbound to the laughter-inducing moments that brought lightness to the darkest corners of Tony Soprano’s world. These funny moments are more than just comic relief; they’re a testament to the remarkable writing, acting, and storytelling that made “The Sopranos” a true masterpiece. While the show will forever be remembered for its intricate web of crime and morality, these funny Soprano moments remain a cherished and essential part of the series’ legacy. In revisiting them, we find ourselves laughing once more, grateful for the brilliant blend of humor and drama that defined this remarkable journey into the world of the New Jersey mob.
